I don’t know how your marriage has been, but I’m going to let you in on a little secret about mine... it HASN’T been easy. As soon as we got married, things got hard. There was a lot of stress early on in our marriage and we started fighting ALL THE TIME.
Not only that, we started looking for the things that we wanted the other person to change- we began to focus on the negatives about each other.
Marriage is hard enough in and of itself- even if you have a great marriage- so how much harder is it when the stress of life hits you and you and your spouse can’t even get along?
In my own marriage, part of why we were fighting so much was we stopped seeing the positive things about our relationship; the good things in each other. Our focus was mostly on the negative.
Hear this: your thoughts go where your focus is.
If you focus on all the things you wish would change about your spouse... if you look for them to do something WRONG more than you look for them to do something right... then you may have little motivation to believe your relationship could be different.
That’s where it got for me and my husband. After our 7th move in 4 years with the military, he was facing crazy pressure at work. He was extremely stressed. And when he came home, instead of talking to me about it and unpacking all those emotions, he stuffed it down and it came out as anger.
And me, instead of doing what I should have, realizing that there was more going on in his life, I chose to believe that he was just a complete jerk. When he got angry, I got angry. I would tell him everything he should do different, which would push him away.
We got into this cycle: I could only see everything he should change; He could only see everything I should change and this was NOT the core issue.
Could we have had better communication? Yes.
Should I have been more patient towards him? Absolutely. I could have done a much better job of being a safe place for him.
Should he have worked on his anger and opened up more about what was going on in life? Absolutely.
But none of those changes were going to happen because neither of us felt like the other person was on our TEAM.
I don’t know about you... but I don't like constantly hearing about what I did wrong, what I need to do differently. To me, it comes across as, “if you would just change, then I would love you.” (And your spouse doesn’t want to feel this way either.)
We want to be loved as we are. EVEN if there are changes that need to happen. None of us are perfect. We can all continue to grow. But we need to feel loved and appreciated NOW.
As Mr. Rogers said, “Knowing that we can be loved exactly as we are gives us all the best opportunity for growing into the healthiest of people.”
So what does this mean for you? What can you do now?
Dr. John Gottman, who has researched thousands of couples and identified key things that make or break their relationships, calls it creating a culture of appreciation.
When we don’t feel liked, loved, or respected because of our spouse’s words or actions we are more likely to have negative thoughts about our spouse and our marriage. This leads to more fights and maybe one or both spouses disengaging, ignoring, and avoiding.
It’s a terrible domino effect. And it all starts with our thoughts.
If we can change how we THINK about our spouse and our marriage - we can begin to change the trajectory of our marriage!
That’s where the culture of appreciation comes in.
Start telling your spouse something you appreciate about them. And don’t expect anything in return (at least not now).
At least once a week, if not every couple of days, or even every day, say the following to your spouse: “I appreciate ____________” (and then fill in the blank).
It can be big, “I appreciate how you came home and told me all about your day and your struggles at work. It really meant a lot to me.”
It can be small, “I appreciate how you took out the trash. Thank you for doing that.”
All of us need to do this. Even if our spouse is being a jerk. *If your spouse is distant and not speaking to you, then use this when appropriate.*
Begin listing the things you appreciate about your spouse, even if you don’t tell them yet, because it will help YOU. It will help you change your mindset about them and teach you to look for the positive and not the negative.
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